A Few Things Learned While Working Retail

Surprisingly I've come to find that working retail is a great study into human nature than I ever thought possible. Oh, and please keep in mind that while this is an observation (and a slightly sarcastic one at that), this is no way shape or form reflects the opinion of any companies (past or present) that I've been employed in.

1. Commerce Persona Equation; for every "asshole/shithead" customer, there is a "pleasant/worthwhile" customer of equal or greater value.


2. Sensible Acumen Conundrum; when a confusion occurs because of an absence of common sense. For example; a customer wondering what time the shop is closed, despite the Hours Of Operation sign standing a mere foot in front of them.


3. Information Repetition Anxiety; a form of irritation due to having to repeat oneself because of a customer's lack of hearing and/or common sense.


4. Monetary Disposition Formula; consider that where X is the depth of the customer's financial pockets, Y is the value of the customer's id, N is the amount of time spent shopping, and Z is the proverbial "shit" the clerk has to take from the customer, the formula is as followed; X(Y) + N = Z.


5. Exaggerated Doppelganger Conviction; where the customer believes that they can do the job better than the clerk themselves, more so if the customer had no former training yet is driven purely by one's id. The stronger the EDC, the more likely an EDE (Exaggerated Doppelganger Experiment, see below) will occur.


6. Exaggerated Doppelganger Experiment; where the customer attempts to convince the clerk (and possibly themselves) that they can do the job better than what they (the clerks) were trained to do.


7. Incessant Idle Irritant; a customer that cannot stop talking, even beyond the point of purchase(s) made.


8. Miser Reduction Paradox; when a customer refuses to spend X amount on one item, yet spends double, even triple, the X amount during a sales event.


9. Perpetual Stipulate Adversity; a form of headache/annoyance caused by a customer's relentless pursuit to haggle an item to its lowest dollar amount possible, despite being told countless times that the price is either "as is" or "cannot go any lower."


10. Excursionist Dissimulate Inhabitant; when an "out-of-state" customer asks for a "local" bargaining rate. For example; a Mainlander vacationing in Hawaii asking for a "ka'amainaa" rate just because they have a family member that is an Hawaiian resident.

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Post Notes:

• thesaurus.com is my friend
• I wouldn't trade working retail for any occupation in the world; except for maybe being John Cusack's personal assistant.
• Number 10 was contributed by Fiance'. Originally it was called the "Touristis Pretendis Localist" but I wanted a more "scientific-feel" to it. Plus I really couldn't repeat what he had originally defined it as because A) I couldn't remember it word for word, and B) it was too damn funny that I was laughing my ass off, THUS resulting in reason A.

Explain How You Can Hold On to a Heart You Planned on Breaking?

No seriously.

Really. I want to know.

Explain to me how you can hold on to a heart that you had planned on ultimately breaking?

Are you just being sadistic without trying?

Are you completely scared shitless of caring for a heart other than your own that you might as well go ahead and break it?

Or are you just stupid?

Now before anyone has their panties up in bunches, I'm not speaking about me and the Mr. (my fiance'). This has nothing to do with us and EVERYTHING to do with a situation I had just read online.

And this has nothing to do with anything or anyone that I know!*

Seriously... who is this moron of which I'm spewing mad and livid?

I'm not linking links. I'm not showing sites. I'm not even going to be giving real names.**

Let's call this brilliant POS Kat.*** And let's call her oh-so-smart other half Bob.****

Heh. BobKat*. Gives TomKat a run for their Scientology money...

But I digress.

Kat has had relationships before. So had Bob. Both had met each other through their work friends (respectively separate) that knew other friends.**

Instant connection. Kat, through meeting Bob for what could be considered EONS in teen years***, quickly realized that he is everything that she's ever wanted and so much more! Bob himself, having been hurt/tired/angered by what-ifs with other people, sees in Kat something totally different than the girls he's allowed himself to be attracted to.

Now you would think that the story ends with a plump and sprinkle-happy Fairy Godmother waving her sparkly wand to let the curtain fall and a chorus line of mice singing "... and they all lived Happily Ever After!", right?

Cue the Falling House and Ominous Organ Music.

Because apparently Kat's old sweetheart Dude* is back in the picture and quite possibly might want Kat back. And let's just say that Kat, whom despite having fallen in love at first sight with Bob, wasn't quite so-maybe-possibly... oh fuck it to hell! She was completely and utterly still in love with Dude. The dude, heh, had history with her and Kat can't seem to let that go.

But wait. Don't paint dear Bob to be the damsel quite yet**; he has a secret too.

See Bob really likes/liked/slightly possessive of Girl***. Who is Girl? Well Girl isn't an ex of Bob's so much as she is a friend that Bob really likes/liked/wanted to pounce. However, at the time, Girl was engaged to someone else. So despite her engagement, Bob still couldn't help himself from really liking/had liked/had declared bunch of times of being in love with Girl. It also didn't help that they had massive what-if chemistry that could have brought Aphrodite to her knees.*

Because really, you can't ignore the heat of someone that you really likes/liked/willing to throw all integrity and honor out the window for!

Still, you wonder, if Bob can't have Girl, he should have Kat, right? Well, here's the thing; before Bob and Kat became BobKat, Girl had broken her engagement because she couldn't deny herself from Bob any longer! So practically a few days before BobKat came to be, the train of BobGirl was looking to start full-steam ahead!

But of course came the collision course of BobKat.

So while Kat still sort of wanted Dude, despite lovin' the Bob, the dude of Bob himself wanted Girl, despite lovin' the Kat.

Still with me so far? If not, I really don't blame you because it took me THREE TIMES to read the bloody thing online to even remotely get the sense of the tale!

Now, normally I could give a flyin' monkey** about this drama; except one thing that pissed me off. Pay attention, this is crucial. Ready?

Kat, who couldn't decide between the two, had finally made a decision; she was going to break up with Bob so that she can be with Dude. It had "pained her" so much that her heart was shattering at the thought of breaking possibly the "true love of her life's heart." Okay, shit you not those were the words she used!

Oh wait, it gets better.

Kat wanted Dude so badly, but was scared to break Bob's heart because her own might break. The night she was going to meet up with Bob and break-up their relationship***, Kat suddenly received a phone call.

It was Dude! And, likely, totally wanted Kat to not see him anymore because, like, he had decided that being a "boyfriend" was WAY too much responsibility that he was, like, totally immature and confused to have right now...

So yeah! By default that Kat had named "fate/destiny", Kat realized that Bob is the one for her all along!

Fate-slash-destiny my Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack lovin' ass!

*cough* Anyway... as for the saga of Bob and his Girl; well, Girl had found out about Kat and her wishy-washy ways, realized that Bob was completely turned on by it THUS it turned Girl off from him because, fuck damnit she had broken an engagement for this dude!

And when I mean dude, I mean Bob.

So long story short; apparently you know you're destined to be with someone... BY DEFAULT.

"Oh, hi, so we are meant to be together because apparently if I can't be with the one I was going to break your heart over, I still have you, right? Oh happy joy! Let's celebrate our true love with a great big orgasmic rebound fuck!"

.... Seriously?

Seriously?

I need an aspirin.


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my pretty footnotes
* - ... or do I? Nah, I'm just joshin'... Or am I?...
** - Because nicknames are FUN!
*** - Whose other nickname is Pussy...
**** - Whose other nickname is Dick... See! Told ya there fun!

* - The whole BobKat thing was coincidence. I shit you not!
** - ... that know people, that know people, that -- well, crap, how incestuous you wanna be?
*** - Here's a TEEN YEARS calculation for you; 1 Minute = 1 Millennium. Do the math.

* - Lebowski is SO totally cooler than this other dude... I apologize for sullying the name.
** - Damsel... bitch... same difference by the end of this story.
*** - Since I went with Dude, Girl sounds even cooler by lame association.

* - And cue the dirty puns! You know you were thinking of them.... naughty....
** - I love flying monkeys. They are so much smarter than you're average BobKat!
*** - Remember the TEEN YEARS math? Apparently you're practically raising grand kids if you've been seeing each other for more than A WEEK! BobKat? Sitting on a porch in their rockers...

When I Grow Up, I Want to Stop Being Asked To See My I.D.

... and seeing as that might not happen until -- uh, *mentally counts* -- possibly TEN years from now "Why Gosh Darn, Tinkerbell, I'll NEVER grow up!"

So a few days ago at work*, upon thoughtful consideration as to what to get my boss upon her milestone of turning twenty-five, I had started a mental countdown and have come to the startling realization...

"Holy Shit! I'm turning THIRTY in less than FOUR YEARS!"

Thirty. The big whopper that is THREE and ZERO.

Last time I had bemoaned a turning-point, I was twenty-two bitching about turning twenty-five! And that was *counts on fingers* FOUR YEARS AGO.

And before that, I had dropped out of college -- for reasons long past "Seriously you think I give a flying monkey as to why it's your business"** -- and enjoying the slacker mall life-style while silently stewing "Gee, I hope to have 1) fallen in love, and 2) marry Elijah Wood."*** by the time I was twenty-five.

And even LONGER before that, at stunningly naive age of seventeen, as a High School Senior I was daydreaming of my ten year reunion and flying back home with my "handsome and successful husband"**** after having jet-setted around the world due to my "book tour."*****

Oh, and don't get me started as to what type of future I was thinking about during my teenybopper years... let me just say that I too was one of those girls that wished for a Cinderella-type story with a Backstreet Boy* prince.

By the way; to the Jonas Brothers' fans: Good luck with YOUR Cinderella love story!

Anyway I digress...

Thirty. Wow. Seriously? Thirty.

Am I a decade too early to have a mid-life crisis?

It's not like I'm unhappy with how my life has turned out; quite the opposite actually.

• I've got a job (which is better than most people during our nation's current financial state).
• I'm not living at "home" (granted it's a small studio/room owned by my grandparents, BUT I'm still paying rent...).
• I've got my health (which I should probably take better care of, BUT damn it who can say no to Starbucks? Seriously?).
• I've travelled off "the rock" (only to fall in love with ANOTHER island**, but that's another story).
• I'm happily engaged (a prince of boy band he is not, a prince of darkness*** however...).

So you see, my life is pretty sweet considering that my brain can't seem to comprehend that I'm adding ANOTHER decade onto my existence.

Thirty. Damn. I don't feel it yet that's what I'll be in another four years.

Thirty.

And I'll STILL get carded at the freakin' BARS!

... wait, huh? Oh yeah... I'll STILL get carded at the bars!

Because despite turning the big bad 3-0, I'll still look like a tiny 2-0.

Wow. Finally it pays to being a short Asian girl... and next time I'm at the bar, I'll certainly drink to that.

But before that, I'll gladly show you my I.D.

My lovely colored footnotes
* - Retail rocks!... no, seriously it does....
** - No offense. But yeah, flying monkeys. Call me Elphaba.
*** - Pre-John Cusack, Post-Nick Carter.
**** - At the time, preferably a Backstreet Boy or N Syncer.
***** - J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer has since jaded my outlook on female writers... Mark my words; Zombie Love Story.
* - Nick Carter.
** - Manhattan.
*** - To my Babe, Satan wants his fire-and-brimstone throne back...