A Few Things Learned While Working Retail

Surprisingly I've come to find that working retail is a great study into human nature than I ever thought possible. Oh, and please keep in mind that while this is an observation (and a slightly sarcastic one at that), this is no way shape or form reflects the opinion of any companies (past or present) that I've been employed in.

1. Commerce Persona Equation; for every "asshole/shithead" customer, there is a "pleasant/worthwhile" customer of equal or greater value.


2. Sensible Acumen Conundrum; when a confusion occurs because of an absence of common sense. For example; a customer wondering what time the shop is closed, despite the Hours Of Operation sign standing a mere foot in front of them.


3. Information Repetition Anxiety; a form of irritation due to having to repeat oneself because of a customer's lack of hearing and/or common sense.


4. Monetary Disposition Formula; consider that where X is the depth of the customer's financial pockets, Y is the value of the customer's id, N is the amount of time spent shopping, and Z is the proverbial "shit" the clerk has to take from the customer, the formula is as followed; X(Y) + N = Z.


5. Exaggerated Doppelganger Conviction; where the customer believes that they can do the job better than the clerk themselves, more so if the customer had no former training yet is driven purely by one's id. The stronger the EDC, the more likely an EDE (Exaggerated Doppelganger Experiment, see below) will occur.


6. Exaggerated Doppelganger Experiment; where the customer attempts to convince the clerk (and possibly themselves) that they can do the job better than what they (the clerks) were trained to do.


7. Incessant Idle Irritant; a customer that cannot stop talking, even beyond the point of purchase(s) made.


8. Miser Reduction Paradox; when a customer refuses to spend X amount on one item, yet spends double, even triple, the X amount during a sales event.


9. Perpetual Stipulate Adversity; a form of headache/annoyance caused by a customer's relentless pursuit to haggle an item to its lowest dollar amount possible, despite being told countless times that the price is either "as is" or "cannot go any lower."


10. Excursionist Dissimulate Inhabitant; when an "out-of-state" customer asks for a "local" bargaining rate. For example; a Mainlander vacationing in Hawaii asking for a "ka'amainaa" rate just because they have a family member that is an Hawaiian resident.

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Post Notes:

• thesaurus.com is my friend
• I wouldn't trade working retail for any occupation in the world; except for maybe being John Cusack's personal assistant.
• Number 10 was contributed by Fiance'. Originally it was called the "Touristis Pretendis Localist" but I wanted a more "scientific-feel" to it. Plus I really couldn't repeat what he had originally defined it as because A) I couldn't remember it word for word, and B) it was too damn funny that I was laughing my ass off, THUS resulting in reason A.